More babes or no more babes....that is the question.
And man is that a HUGE question.
Here are the things I have swirling in my life right now that is making answering this question the most twisted roller coaster ride ever.
1. Our oldest babe is starting Kindergarten,
WHAT??! When did this happen!?! Last week Dana and I were bringing him home from the hospital...Brand new babe...brand new parents...a whole new part of our life beginning...........
What really happened last week......Dana and I took him on a date to go get school supplies. And all three of us are in the car driving to the store, playing I spy, talking about Kindergarten, and doing my best to hide my tears .
I am so proud of the little human he is growing into. He loves people ( TOTALLY gets that from his daddy) and with that love of people he has grown TRUE friendships that I hope will last a lifetime. He CARES about others and their feelings (also gets that from his daddy) and has been described by his teachers as "that kid every teacher wants in their class." Melted my heart. He is FIERCELY independent (gets THAT from his mama) and has GREAT leadership skills that just need to be fine tuned...aka...he's a little bossy...I have no idea where he gets that :)
So we're out shopping for things for this little Kindergartener and I keep having that feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach..........more on this feeling in a bit.
2. This weirdly independent stage of life.
For a week this summer I took my 3 babes camping. Some would argue that staying in a cabin with a fridge and electricity and air conditioning ISN'T camping...but we still had to make the walk to the bathroom so IT'S TOTALLY CAMPING!!
Just me and the babes.
Yes my brothers started all the fires for me and no we did not cook over it. But it was still...just me and the babes. We did whatever they wanted.
"Mom can we swim?" SURE!
"Mom can we ride bikes?" SURE!
"Mom can we go to the playground?" SURE!
We camped, we played, we swam, we had bonfires, we went on night time alligator hunts, we went to the beach TWICE, splash pads, ice cream, parks...just all the fun. All of it. Just me and the babes.
Literally everything they wanted to do we COULD! We didn't have to coordinate around nap times or nursing or not being able to be in the heat because CAN SOMEONE PLEASE JUST HOLD THIS LITTLE HOT BOX OF A CHILD FOR A MINUTE SO I CAN STOP SWEATING!!
For the first time EVER in my life as a mom I didn't have a baby to coordinate around or worry about. I have big kids. That do big kid things. That don't need that much help from me.
Que the tears. And that feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach.
3. Our everyday life is getting easier.
I love it but I hate it. I love it for the obvious reasons (See everything above.....) but why do I hate it?
Do I hate it because I've never felt it? It's never been easy...it's always been work and this "Hey...let's go to the beach today" and 5 minutes later we're in the car on the way thing is so foreign to me? Coming from 5 years of planning and coordinating and juggling life with 3 LITTLE kids to this slower paced EASY feeling.....
Everytime I feel like our days are getting easier or I sit at the park while they all play together and only get called for the occasional...PUSH ME MOM....I get that feeling of dread. And I cry.
So what is this feeling of dread? It's fear. Fear of the unknown.
We are entering a stage of life we have NEVER been in before. We've never even flirted with the possibility of being here. We had 3 kids in 4 years. That's 5 years of diapers, 4 years straight of being pregnant or nursing....for the past 6 years we have been consumed with all the things that come with having babies...naps, diapers, teething, restless days, sleepless nights, and my husbands favorite stage...TODDLERHOOD...
Toddlerhood: A constant state of movement...mostly of the dangerous type... unless the child is strapped into a chair against their will or sleeping. Often also referred to as Suicide Watch.
In our house once one child was finally off Suicide Watch...another was on.
So here we are...no toddlers....no babies...and none of the constant attention they need. We have big boys that LOVE to play and run and GO GO GO and I love that. I really do. But they don't need me as much anymore...and THAT is what hurts my heart...THAT is what makes me cry...and THAT is why I know I have this burning question in my mind...Do we have another baby?
No I'm not pushing my big kids to the back burner...they still need me for LOTS of things. See what you have to understand is we didn't have ONE baby...we had 3 babies...In a VERY short amount of time...Much shorter than either of us ever planned. And those years FLEW by. When we had our first babe we knew we would have another really soon then wait a few years and have two more...spreading out the years of toddlerhood and babies but then there was Ty...and now we have 3 babes in the time we had thought we would have 2 and I'm SURE that just last week we were bringing our first born home from the hospital.
Our life has been a whirlwind. And it's NOT slowing down. Someone once said to me, "As fast as they came is as fast as they'll go." Don't worry I punched them in the face so you won't ever have to meet them. Having another babe won't slow life down...TRUST ME...I KNOW THIS. But it WILL extend what I have felt is the absolute BEST time of my life. Not just now...but over the rest of our lives. 3 babes in 4 years means 3 first days of Kindergarten in 4 years, 3 kids driving within 4 years, 3 graduations in 4 years. Life is just FLYING by...and it's not just that I'm not ready for the unknown...I didn't think I would HAVE to be yet.
So here I am...spewing my thoughts out here because running has NOT been able to get rid of this feeling...maybe dread is not the best way to describe it...but I see my life and the parts of it I love so much FLYING by...and I know I can't stop it...but I also know I'm not ready for parts of it to be over.
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